Because I am a birth photographer and doula I am told a lot of birth stories, often times from people that I have just met or know in a casual “we are waiting in the same line” kind of way. I appreciate and am honored that they are willing to share such as transformative moment in their life with me, but something has been bothering me for a while. Often during the retelling of their births the phrase “…but you know, healthy baby, healthy mom is what matters in the end.”
Clearly, I want you and your baby to be healthy, but that isn’t all that matters and that statement only takes into account your physical health. What also matters is how a woman, baby, father, family is treated during the entire birth experience. It is okay to be upset with something that happened at your birth, whether it is unwanted procedures, not understanding your options at that moment, or that the place you birthed wasn’t in your plan. Woman can and do experience birth trauma and we are basically telling you not to worry about it, because in the end you know – “healthy baby, healthy mom!”
This popular phrase means that your physical health is more important than your mental and emotional health. Society places very little importance on your mental and emotional health and when you give birth they get pushed even farther into the backseat. Birth is more than the moment a baby is brought into the world, it the birth of a mother, father, and growth of a family. The whole birth process starts much earlier than active labor. At your last prenatal check-up I am guessing that you got weighted, the baby’s heart rate was checked, your tummy measured and off you went. Did your care provider take a moment and ask you how you felt or to learn something else about you as a person? If they did ask you, did you feel like they were really listening or just waiting for you to stop talking so they could move on to their next appointment?
After your baby was born did anyone validate your feelings, whether they were positive or negative? After the birth of my last son the nurse taking care of me looked me straight in the eye and just kept telling me it was okay to be upset with how things went after his birth and that she was sorry. At first I shrugged it off but she repeated it to me about three time before I allowed myself acknowledge that it wasn’t what I expected or had hoped for, even though we were both safe and healthy and the actual birth was pretty easy. I didn’t have to wear a brave face, she let me know it was okay to be mad.
How you feel about your birth and the experiences of your newborn during the birth process and immediately after do matter. Was baby kept away from you for an extended amount of time with no clear explanation? What breastfeeding support offered? Did you give consent or were you bullied into cervical checks after asking care provider to stop? Did you have a cesarean birth when you were planning a VBAC? Just a few questions to illustrate my point. Really the list is endless.
We should expect more. More support from our families, our care providers and ourselves. The lens that we view birth has to be adjusted to see the whole story of birth and view mothers and babies as more than just the physical body before us with a clear start and stopping point. You should feel comfortable saying things didn’t go as you wanted, you are upset, you are hurt, you wanted something more than “healthy baby, healthy mom.” It does not make you selfish, ungrateful or a horrible mother to acknowledge that your needs, expectations, and emotions have value and importance in how you view your birth.
